Moving Forward
I haven't been to see my Endo since March.
By my hand-counting, that's close to 10 months.
There's been a couple visits scheduled, one in the summer and one a few months ago. But, knowing that I've been slacking on the D-Management front and dreading the expected A1c that I know is higher than it should be, I have been putting the visit off.
The last time my A1c was done, it came out at 7.9% - up slightly from the one just before Christmas 2010 when it was 7.5%. I'm sure it's higher now, probably somewhere closer to 9%.
(My 30-day meter average is 220, which comes out to 9.3 and my past couple weeks are about the same - as are the past few months or so.)
For inquiring minds, it's not a matter of not knowing what to do. No. I am testing about six times a day, have a pump and now a Dexcom 7+. And while I'm certainly no expert and probably know little in the grand scheme about diabetes management, I've been doing this for 27 years... so I know what's at fault and what isn't: Simply, it's a matter of willpower - or lack thereof.
I've been struggling a lot in the past year on several personal fronts, and that's all led to some depression that has clouded pretty much everything in my life. Sometimes, I just don't care. More to the point: I feel that way a lot lately. Even when I'm testing often, the numbers are commonly in the 200s and 300s and that's what I have grown accustomed to.
There's a matter of underlying hopelessness, that nothing I do really matters. That it doesn't make a difference and it's really not worth it. Even the brightest moments and sparkles of happiness aren't enough to counter the corrosive, pervasive, and overwhelming feelings of depression.
I've kept a lot of this bottled up and have guarded this, but despite that effort it's been spilling out into most areas of my life. Recently, I've started taking some steps to deal with that and that's a work in progress.
After reading some recent posts my friends in the Diabetes Online Community - (Kerri's post here, Jess wrote one, and Melissa wrote one - I've made an appointment. This was in December and the soonest available was January, so that's planned for a few weeks from now. Actually, to be honest: I didn't take the initiative to schedule it. After I reached out to my Endo and CDE about getting a referral for someone in the counseling world, my Endo's office phoned to let me know the referral was in the mail and that my Endo wanted to get me in for a visit ASAP. So, really, it was her, not me.
But the visit is finally going to happen, regardless. That's the point. I'm hoping that I haven't hit the double-digits, but no matter the result it's a matter of asking "What Now?" rather than focusing on the judgmental and critical aspect of the number.
To be clear, if my A1c is high, it's not going to be a surprise. And it's not a matter of not knowing how to improve my D-Management. It's not like we're talking about changing some bolus or basal rates here in order to fix what's going on, although that may be necessary. It's a matter of dealing with the emotional and mental mind games that are causing my slacking.
So, I'm ready to do what's necessary. I've been avoiding it for too long. Now it's time to move on, deal with my demons, and get back in motion on my D-Management. Really, my life.
When your life is clouded by the darkest clouds, and you have the ability to manipulate the weather, how can you possibly not try to move those clouds out of the way for some needed sunshine?
No more avoidance.
The time to move forward is now.
By my hand-counting, that's close to 10 months.
There's been a couple visits scheduled, one in the summer and one a few months ago. But, knowing that I've been slacking on the D-Management front and dreading the expected A1c that I know is higher than it should be, I have been putting the visit off.
The last time my A1c was done, it came out at 7.9% - up slightly from the one just before Christmas 2010 when it was 7.5%. I'm sure it's higher now, probably somewhere closer to 9%.
(My 30-day meter average is 220, which comes out to 9.3 and my past couple weeks are about the same - as are the past few months or so.)
For inquiring minds, it's not a matter of not knowing what to do. No. I am testing about six times a day, have a pump and now a Dexcom 7+. And while I'm certainly no expert and probably know little in the grand scheme about diabetes management, I've been doing this for 27 years... so I know what's at fault and what isn't: Simply, it's a matter of willpower - or lack thereof.
I've been struggling a lot in the past year on several personal fronts, and that's all led to some depression that has clouded pretty much everything in my life. Sometimes, I just don't care. More to the point: I feel that way a lot lately. Even when I'm testing often, the numbers are commonly in the 200s and 300s and that's what I have grown accustomed to.
There's a matter of underlying hopelessness, that nothing I do really matters. That it doesn't make a difference and it's really not worth it. Even the brightest moments and sparkles of happiness aren't enough to counter the corrosive, pervasive, and overwhelming feelings of depression.
I've kept a lot of this bottled up and have guarded this, but despite that effort it's been spilling out into most areas of my life. Recently, I've started taking some steps to deal with that and that's a work in progress.
After reading some recent posts my friends in the Diabetes Online Community - (Kerri's post here, Jess wrote one, and Melissa wrote one - I've made an appointment. This was in December and the soonest available was January, so that's planned for a few weeks from now. Actually, to be honest: I didn't take the initiative to schedule it. After I reached out to my Endo and CDE about getting a referral for someone in the counseling world, my Endo's office phoned to let me know the referral was in the mail and that my Endo wanted to get me in for a visit ASAP. So, really, it was her, not me.
But the visit is finally going to happen, regardless. That's the point. I'm hoping that I haven't hit the double-digits, but no matter the result it's a matter of asking "What Now?" rather than focusing on the judgmental and critical aspect of the number.
To be clear, if my A1c is high, it's not going to be a surprise. And it's not a matter of not knowing how to improve my D-Management. It's not like we're talking about changing some bolus or basal rates here in order to fix what's going on, although that may be necessary. It's a matter of dealing with the emotional and mental mind games that are causing my slacking.
So, I'm ready to do what's necessary. I've been avoiding it for too long. Now it's time to move on, deal with my demons, and get back in motion on my D-Management. Really, my life.
When your life is clouded by the darkest clouds, and you have the ability to manipulate the weather, how can you possibly not try to move those clouds out of the way for some needed sunshine?
No more avoidance.
The time to move forward is now.
Comments
The A1c will come -- and go. It may sting for a minute. The victory that lies in wait will be so incredibly sweet in comparison...even if it takes a few months to see the victory emerge.
YOU can do this.
I'm sorry you're struggling. Hopefully sharing your struggles will help.
May the Lord lift you up and strengthen you!!!!
"When your life is clouded by the darkest clouds, and you have the ability to manipulate the weather, how can you possibly not try to move those clouds out of the way for some needed sunshine?" ...
so true! but I know easier said than done at times...((Hugs)) You got this!
And I know that you know that I have been where you are. Totally. Apathy creeps in and is hard to get rid of.
Hang in there, my friend.
Been there buddy. Glad you're moving forward.
Thank you for talking about this. It has been, and often is, an issue for me, and no doubt many others. Diabetes does that to us. It's relentless.
But I think you'll find some relief, help, and most importantly, some hope by taking these first few steps.
We need you around here buddy - and we'll help you get your head clear however we can.
It's so hard to add anything both to what has already been said by yourself and also by this amazing community we find ourselves in.
Incredible, renewing, refreshing and honest are just a few of the words that spring to mind....not in reference to this community but YOU in particular.
I find so much of my own journey in your own struggle, and find myself looking around both overwhelmed and uncertain of the road to take.
Ultimately I guess I don't really know any answers nor do I have any "bolt" from heaven to solve all of the disillusionment which like yourself, seems to be continually rattling my cage and unsettling me.
I guess while I'll always long for more from the resources I have at hand and in particular the DOC, I keep coming back to the connections I've made and the individuals like yourself who are so close to my heart and draw strength from knowing that others are going through similar things.
I guess it sounds like a broken record and for me it always feels a little trite to say, "you know I'm here for you" but you are continually in my prayers and thoughts as I see your tweets and read your blog. I admire your honesty and opernness and all that it has brought out in me. I don't know how and perhaps I never will but somehow you will get through this....we will get through this.
Thank you for so many things, keep being the awesome person that you are
Happy New Year!
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Happy New Year again– hope it is a healthy one!
Thanks,
Ann-Marie & Ed Stephens
Founders of Precise Portions