Beginning Again

I'm not gonna lie: this one is a little deep, dark and depressing.

But I have to reflect briefly before circling back to the present task of Moving Forward.

A lot has been going on in my mind. I'm not healthy, not happy. Things have been tough, and I have been at the point where I want to give up. Diabetes management is the last thing on my mind, and I've been drowning in hopelessness aside from just feeling crummy.

Sleepy all the time. Consumed by self-doubt. Reclusive. Emotionless, humor-deprived, non-focused, irritable, unhappy. Personally, professionally, emotionally, mentally, physically, internally and externally.

For too long, I just haven't been "me." In a sense, I've been wearing a mask.

Not talking or meeting or being curious as I've traditionally been. The writing hasn't seemed to flow, and what does happen to appear on my screen doesn't seem right or as interesting as I know it truly is. I'm bankrupt in the context of who I've always been. That's led me to scary mental places where I can't even recognize myself. The person looking back at me in the mirror doesn't smile, and when he does it's not real. Dark bags are under his eyes, and you can just see that he's tired - no matter how much coffee or Diet Coke he drinks.

How long has it been going on? Not sure. Probably more than a year, but it's slowly progressed and gotten worse as the months and weeks have gone on. Lately, in recent months, I've hit the tipping point more than once and have felt myself melting down.

Admitting, sharing, or even acting on this hasn't happened - that'd be my solidifying my own failures, creating "excuses" why I'm not able to handle this on my own.

The Diabetes Online Community has helped boost me, as has being around and having discussions with those that I love. But I've strayed from the path I need to be on, and lost focus. Life storms and stresses have been overwhelming, and that's just fueled the frustrations and negativity to the point where I'm completely burnt out. Everything, including diabetes - I'm so afraid of where my A1c is hovering, that I've been avoiding that needed Endo visit.

So, what's to blame?

Depression has been building, and burying me under the weight of a thousand pounds of concrete. But even aside from that, a key factor is probably that I hadn't been taking my hyperthyroid medication on a regular basis. There's honestly no reason that comes to mind, except that I've had a sense of "hopelessness" during the past year. This is probably self-circulating and I was shooting myself in the foot, but it is how life has been.

Until recently.

Some friends got together in Kansas City and a life-changing experience opened my eyes once again.

I drove 1,022 miles to be a part of that, carrying a weight that's existed for so long. There was a lot of fun and memory-making, but it wasn't until the return trip it all set in. Half-way on the drive back, as 10th Avenue North played on the radio and the sensations of that weekend replayed in my head, the full force of how far gone and where my journey had taken me finally set in. And that's when I pulled to the side of the interstate, near a road sign that said Indianapolis was 200 miles away, and cried my eyes out.

And talked to God.

And wrote, with a pencil supplied from the hotel room and the notepad I use to tell people's stories.

My heart opened, and for the first time in a very long while, I truly saw some light ahead. Even as a beautifully weary sun set below the horizon to the West, and a hopeful moon was ready for the challenges ahead.

Sharing is so important. For too long, I haven't. When everything seems to depressing, why would you want to bring others down? The guilt is just never-ending. But it's only through sharing that you can move past this.I see that I need help and I'm starting to get it. I've been ashamed of my failings and senses of inadequacy, and haven't reached out even to those closest in my life. And that's why I've only perpetuated this cycle. Not anymore.

Maybe, there is something I can do to get past this. Maybe, the message of "You Can Do This" isn't far-fetched and unattainable. Quite possibly, a light at the end of the tunnel actually does exist and can be reached. It takes effort, and one can't do it alone.

One man traveled 15,000 miles (kilometers?) to be a part of that group, and in doing so he's opened my eyes again. He has saved me. The friendship and sense of community that brought him here, that he credits for saving him, has indeed also saved me. And for that, I'm eternally grateful.

Since that experience, several friends have written about their own struggles and I've related to them completely. Seen myself in what they've been writing about their challenges, and I've found hope and guidance in how they're moving forward. That's helped me make some progress in my own life, too.

Through the eyes of something bigger than yourself, you see how you haven't been alone and that you have been carried. Those Footprints that you've heard about before, somehow magically appear in the sand on the beach.

I know I can walk on, because so many are there to help walk along with me and carry my tired soul for a few steps if needed.

Moving forward, a single step at a time. One pill, one blood test, one handwritten letter rather than an email or blog comment, one actual conversation, and real face-to-face talk. Truly living. Each day.

I have an appointment at my Endo's office this week, and I've scheduled an introductory session with a counselor in the comings weeks. As I wrote recently in another post, now it begins again. Moving Forward. And I know I'm not alone.

Thank you for bearing with me, and simply for doing what you do in my own life. You have and continue to make a difference, and I can't appreciate that enough.